What people THINK is a people pleaser, and what a people pleaser actually IS, is so different.. Energetically. Because once you understand the amount of life force energy is being drained from a people pleaser and the amount of resentment that is being built up from the inside, you will do everything in your power to get rid of this disease to please. This is how..
Doing and saying this so other people will like me
When people hear about someone describing themselves as a people pleaser they probably think a few things:
- “Oh this person will do so much for others because he/she wants to be liked”
- “Oh this person will say anything to others because he/she wants to be liked”
- “He/she must be a nice person, because they want to be liked”
But (unfortunately) it goes so much deeper than that and if you’re aware of it as a people pleaser yourself, it WILL suck the life force energy out of you like MANIAC.
Controlling everybody’s perception of you
It really comes down to trying to control everybody’s, and i mean EVERYBODY’s, perception of you. Not just your friends and family, but strangers on the street, strangers at the bus stop, stranger in a cafe, the waiters, the barista’s, the yoga teachers, the people working to serve YOU. It is in everything.
For instance, I was sitting outside on the terrace of a cafe last summer and I needed to cough. But there was a woman sitting next to me and she was smoking. I did not need to cough because of the smoke, it was just something in my throat. But I held my cough in.. Why you ask? Because I did not want her to think that I was sending her a message that I was bothered by her smoking, therefore avoiding a potential conflict or side eye or just her THINKING about me:
“What a bitch”
Or one time, I went on a walk while being very sad. I crossed multiple people on my walk and when we made eye contact, I forced a smile on my face because I did not want them to think I’m a bitch. But I did not need to make eye contact, I did that so I could then smile at them so that they knew I was a nice person. Or just, not a bitch. I could’ve just walked without making eye contact, with my resting bitch face, me and my thoughts and minded my own business. But the thought of someone then thinking i’m a bitch, was unbearable to me.
Or when I was served the wrong drink at a cafe, I would make that notable in a nice way but if they messed up for the second time, I would be too afraid to tell them AGAIN because they would think I’m such an annoying customer. I would go out of my way to be a delight for others, for anybody actually.
And yes, of course there is a human politeness aspect to this that has to remain. But doing too much for the wrong reason: the reason being to be liked by everybody, is NOT why you should be kind or polite. Kindness and politeness should be exchanged because you see the human in the other in the same way as you see it in yourself. And being kind is not the same as being nice. Don’t aim to be nice, aim to be kind.
And these are all the tiny little ways that the life force energy is being sucked out of people pleasers on a daily basis. That is what is building up resentment in them. Literally, in their bodies. And I hate to tell you this, but that is what is making you, people pleaser, sick from the inside. Literally.. SICK.
People pleasing can literally make you sick
So many auto immune diseases are linked to the most known trait in people pleasers and that is them letting their boundaries being crossed over and over and over and over again. Gabor Maté describes this in his book “When the Body Says No“:
That people who:
- tried not to disappoint others
- couldn’t say no
- took on everything without complaining
- saw themselves as caregivers/caretakers
- suppressed anger and negative emotions
.. Have hidden emotional stress that can affect immunity and the physiological environment in ways that may contribute to chronic disease, including autoimmune conditions.
There is now evidence that early-life adversity and chronic stress are associated with later autoimmune disease. (1)(2)
I’ve been broken down, and it was the best thing that could have happened to me..
The wildest thing to me is that a lot of this disease to please is not part of my identity anymore. It has just.. left. Literally I am sometimes amazed that I feel like I give zero F*cks in a situation where I KNOW I would lose sleep over if it happened a few years ago. And it didn’t just happen randomly, it happened gradually overtime being exposed to so much boundary crossing: online and offline. So much unkind words being spoken to me and about me. From people I held dear to my heart all the way to strangers on the internet. It breaks you down in ways you couldn’t imagine. But I kept showing up and I kept being broken down. Again and again. But at a certain point, you’ve lost so many people and people have said so many mean things about you that there comes this moment when you realize:
… Huh, i’m still alive. I’m still breathing? I can still.. show up!
And that is when the shift starts to happen in your favor. Because in my mind, or shall I say: In my nervous system – I thought that being disliked or hated even, was death. It was the worst thing that could happen to me. And when it happened, over and over again, and I realised that I was still alive and could still show up towards my own goals and dreams, that a lot of that noise didn’t matter anymore.
I’ve noticed now that people are actually more willing to give me better service, strangers are kinder to me, I get more opportunities in life and in my career, friendships have the potential to become stronger. Yes, potential because a lot of them crumbled in this rising.
Life is more in flow and feels more aligned. And I get to experience so much more life force energy within my body. Seems like a real life lesson I needed to learn, and honestly a call to everybody else who identifies as a people pleaser to break down that part of yourself. That part is NOT helpful and it is not a good energy to carry even if you think it is. The intention behind that energy is needy and negative and it will not give you the life you ultimately want for yourself. It really is a DISEASE to please.